Bonhams Auction Embraces Datieness


Mr. Herz,
You recently criticized Bonhams Auction for dating what is likely a 1938 Ardbeg as ‘Circa 1900’. Sir, that was unfair. Modern thinking has evolved quite a bit since you left school, and you clearly have been out of the loop. Think about it: nowadays men can wear a dress and use the women’s restroom if they ‘feel’ feminine. Since they ‘feel’ that they are women, who are we to say that our ‘perception’ of an Adam’s apple and whiskers is more valid? We have evolved. Even more progressive than that is the new theory of “Datieness” that has been embraced by the New York intelligentsia, but clearly hasn’t made it to the backwoods of Los Angeles yet.

Datieness

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Datieness is a “date” that a person claims to know intuitively “from the gut” or because it “feels right” without regard to evidence, logic, intellectual examination, or facts. [1]
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Datieness is changing the way we look at dates and, Mr. Herz, it’s coming whether you like it or not. You say that 1938 isn’t 1900? Is 38 years here or there really an issue? Take a peek at any new elementary school history book (non Texan) and open the page to the year 1900, the year that the Union defeated the Confederates in the Battle of Shiloh while Adolf Hitler and Neville Chamberlain negotiated for peace. Thirty eight years isn’t much if you ‘think outside the box’. You, Mr. Herz, are trapped inside the box and I pity you.

My recommendation is that you stop complaining and open your eyes to how datieness and chronologic relativism can benefit you. Don’t like the parking at Disneyland? Park in the senior citizen spot. Don’t like the $75 ticket? Tell them you’re 2 years old. I’m sure they’ll be fine with that. Mr. Bonham himself refers to his wife as ‘circa 1900’, and she takes it quite gracefully.

You are also overlooking that the owner of this fine bottle ‘swears’ that it is from 1900, and if that doesn’t make you “feel right” enough, I’ll remind you that he swore on his “grandpappy’s grave.” His grandpappy’s grave, Mr. Herz, is a far more evidence than your silly claims of glass bottles that didn’t exist before 1934 and tax stamps bearing a 1938 date.

Sir, if you wish to speak with me in person about this issue, I can schedule you in next week or the year 2050. Same thing, really.