Christmas Cheer and Laphroaig

You’re a Mean One, Whisky Grinch

You’re a mean one, Whisky Grinch
You’re from a rotten cask
Your liver’s fully flooded and
Your heart’s an empty flask
Whisky Grinch!
You’re a Japanese run Bowmore distilled in the ’80s
Loaded with soap!

You’re a blotto, Whisky Grinch
You’re hammered, sloshed, and pissed
You threw bottles at your grandma
‘Cause your shotgun pellets missed
Whisky Grinch!
I wouldn’t dram with you for
thirty nine and a half scotch malts

You’re a drunkard, Whisky Grinch
You’re a bitter bacchanal
You’ve gone sottish with the Scottish
And your throat’s a booze canal
Whisky Grinch!
You’re soul is a foul and blackened cesspool
Filled with Loch Dhu

You’ve got an I-V, Whisky Grinch
With liquor on the drip
Your forehead’s full of liver spots
that fled the sinking ship
Whisky Grinch!
The three words that best describe you
Are as follows, and I quote,
“Drink, drank, drunk!”

You’re toxic, Whisky Grinch
You’re life’s a scotch assault
You’re a binger twixt your benders
And you’ve mixed your blended malt
Whisky Grinch!
If I had a choice between that crap you mixed, and you yourself
I’d be guzzling up!

You’re always plastered, Whisky Grinch
You really are a souse.
You’re a walking whisky wasteyard
And a liquor licking louse
Whisky Grinch!
You’re a Famous Grouse, Cutty Sark, and Johnnie Red finished in a septic tank
With Dewar’s on top!

I’ll be Drunk on Christmas

I’m dreaming tonight of a place I fear
Even more than I usually do
December is here and though family is dear
I promise you

I’ll be drunk on Christmas
You can count on this
Mistletoe, above scotch rows
Sweet bottles, I plan to kiss

All the kids are screaming
Throwing toy at me
I’ll be drunk on Christmas
To cope with family

I’ll drink Scotch on Christmas
As the others feast
While the herd eats dried up bird
I’ll be sloshed by the tree

Christmas Eve will find me
Hiding from the glee
I’ll have Christmas spirit
One-twenty ABV

One-twenty ABV

Boozy the Snowman

Boozy the Snowman, was a jolly happy soul,
With a big white ass and a whisky glass, he was on his third parole

Boozy the Snowman, was just three balls made of ice
But they poured some scotch on his button lips, and then Boozy came to life

There must have been some magic in that whisky glass they poured
For when he got his first gold sip, well he robbed the liquor store

Oh Boozy the Snowman, drank as much as he could find
He’d pass out face first cause he was submersed in three bottles at a time

Chugety Chug Chug, Chugety Chug Chug
Look at Boozy drink
Chugety Chug Chug, Chugety Chug Chug
Puking in my sink

Boozy the Snowman, claimed he was a guy in need
Beggin’ for a buck at every car and truck.  Said he had snowballs to feed

While he was drinkin’, Boozy’s snowy liver popped
But a kid named Grant did quick transplant With a shovel and a mop

One day poor Boozy leaned against a glowing heater screen
But instead of melting just a bit, he lit up like kerosene

That’s when our daddy, said that Boozy paid the price
He was quite concerned that the children learned not to put – fine – scotch – on – ice!


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